02 March, 2007


It's so very hard to give it what it deserves. And yes, I know all about "faithfulness in small things," and I know that I should somehow be able to shine, but this is a catch-22.

There is nothing about this job that challenges or inspires me to grow.

If I have to listen to one more rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle sung off-key to "comfort" a child, I may... well, let's just say it's a good thing I'm not armed.

If I have to stand by one more time because I'm the "beginner" and bottom of the totem pole, watching people who have no clue how to single-handedly manage large groups of 5 to 7-year-old children in a classroom-type setting attempt to do so (and watch it all go to hell, ending with children being punished when it never should've gotten to the point of that being necessary)... again, glad to be unarmed.

If I have to spend one more week following confusing and conflicting instructions/procedures that seem to fly in the face of program goals...

If I have to continue guessing which "vitally important" procedures and rules are actually followed and which ones will offend someone if I follow them...

And I will have to again turn in "lesson" (activity) plans on a subject that is not my expertise (I have not been assigned the music unit) and that will--without exaggeration--never be used. And I will have to write them out by hand into the special form that is not on the computer.

It used to be that exceeding the standard allowed me to achieve surprising and valuable things. Now I have to be careful that I don't cause anyone to think I'm "lording a master's degree over them." And I have the joy of trying to learn to constantly monitor my conversation as I attempt to avoid use of polysyllabic words (no, that's not going very well. I used to get looks from fellow college students about the words that would occasionally drop from my lips in a casual conversation. Just imagine what it's like now).


It's all so much harder to take when you're heart isn't truly invested...

Well, it has given me a chance to catch my financial breath and thus maybe find the energy and concentration to strongly pursue all the great ideas that have been shared with me. Kris, that resume may be on its way...

CLARIFICATION: The work I am doing is honorable, vital, and those who do it well are to be greatly respected; there are not enough people in this world who are good at it. it's just so not the work for me at this time in my life.