09 February, 2006

The "Woman Scorned" Missile

Watch out, men... you may be on the target list!

If you don't read the comments at Argghhh!, you're missing half the fun because you're missing people like Kat.

Kat is a Denizenne of Castle Argghhh! and an amazing wordsmith. She made quite the splash upon her first appearance there with a "provocative" exposition on the proper care and use of Roman swords and sheaths (see comments here), but recently topped that with the revelation of the Women Securty Network and the Woman Scorned Missile.

It began when the Master of Castle Argghhh! went on a trip, claiming to have set up a Predator armed with Hellfire missiles to keep the Denizens in line while he was gone. Kat replied, "Heh... Hellfire missiles were invented by women. They are programmed to avoid decimating the womenfolk since we are the most peaceful and harmless of the species. (don't make that face, it might freeze that way)"

JimB is new to Argghhh! and thus didn't recognize the ramifications of his contribution to the conversation until it was too late: "Translated... Predator hath no Hellfire like a Woman Scorned. Hey! That's it we name the next heat seeking, guided, radar directed, laser riding missile... "Woman Scorned." Whuttayathink?" For thusly inspired, Kat spilled the beans on the Woman Scorned Missile and the Women Security Network:

Heh...the "woman scorned" missile will not require laser guidance. It will find its own targets through a large internet-based database with names, images and GPS location of the offenders. This is contributed to through "anonymous" sources with the XX chromosome. The security is maintained by keyboard DNA recognition (newest security measures).

It will be one of the first missiles that use the new bio-psyche (that's Psyche not Psycho) uploaded personality software. It will be able to upload, maintain and organize information into recognizable patterns of "the enemy", establishing new criteria and targets beyond the limitations of the current network database.

It can only be disarmed and ordered to stand down when a person with the appropriate DNA signature and security clearance gives the code, "apology accepted" though that target will remain in the missile's database files for future targeting should the offense be repeated or the target be considered a continuing potential threat to the security of civilization and the wymmin's security network despite bogus apologies.

Some targets will be prosecuted with extreme prejudice based on a security threat rating designated by the WSN. This rating and dossier remains top secret. Even the mention of a potential rating at the top of the WSN security dossier has been known to make certain orb-like structures shrivel up to the size of dehydrated peas and immediate negotiations for leniency and promises never to do "it" again to be forth coming.

The NSA has discovered that this weapon is one of the most powerful and discriminating in the world just below nuclear devices. It's destructive power has been known to change the course of the world and has gone under such code names as Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Catherine de Borgia, Catherine de Medicci, Jane, Laura, Barbara, Hillary, wife, girlfriend, mother in law, etc. The fact that the code name has changed so often and it is imminently capable of camouflaging itself among the general populace, has made it a weapon par excellence through out millenia.

Harnessing this deadly force has become top priority at the Pentagon who has used the code name "equal employment" in order to develop the weapon under the guise of liberal policies providing equal opportunities for women in the military. Some military members fear the power of this weapon and have often voiced their opposition to the program, stating that "women have no place in the military". Some have attempted to keep the weapon from being deployed by limiting the program to "study" in rear echelon environments. Others have readily embraced it as the new threat matrix indicates misogynist, sexist, oppressors of the female of the species have also decided to target the males under the guise of religion. The religion, Islam, also translated as "submission" (a key word that normally immediately sets off the "Woman Scorned" detector, though some models currently deployed at Naral and NOW have proven defective once infiltrated with certain viruses). the Islamofascists or Submission fascists, being a stealth weapon itself, has come into contact with the new "Woman Scorned" missile on several occassions, suffering immediate casualties in the field.

One missile, code named Sgt Leigh Hester, took out six offenders in a matter of minutes, though the incident nearly blew the project's cover, it proved quite effective and many commanders with the XY chromosome became a little less squishy in the pants at deploying the deadly weapon.

The Submission Fascists are aware of this device, but have yet to understand its full destructive capabilities. It has attempted to create it's own Islamist version, but has largely suffered set backs as the WSN chip inherent within the XX chromosome invariably attacks any such nonsensical viruses. The weapon in stealth mode in the ME is currently one of the most frightening to the Submission fascists because they do not know the extent of infiltration within their own XX population which, due to wars and other idiocy, has left the female of the species the larger portion of the populace by at least 2% (which, in Muslim population of 1.2billion equals about 24 million possible missiles more than their male counterparts).

The DoS, DoD and CIA are currently investigating the ability to turn these weapons on.

All male counterparts of the WSN are warned to stand ready with FCD suits (flowers, chocolates and diamonds) should these efforts succeed or should the submission fascists prematurely trigger the devices through some egregious act that immediately sets off the weapons en masse.

At this time, this information is considered an open classified secret. Additional details should not be discussed in open forums without proper clearance of all subjects involved. Agents of the WSN should continue their normal activities, eating chocolate, swinging from chandeliers (providing the appropriate altitude for deployment) and drinking 'Ritas until otherwise notified.

After reading this transmission burn it along with your last boyfriend's or ex-husband's picture.

That is all.


Brava, Kat! I stand in awe.

The entire conversation can be found here.