09 March, 2006

Doggie Dos and Don'ts

Things dogs must remind themselves of:

  1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.
  4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
  5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.
  7. I will not throw up in the car.
  8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.
  9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
  10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.
  11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
  12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.
  13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
  14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.
  15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
  17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
  20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
  22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.
  23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.
  24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
  25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to rheir heads.
  26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
  28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.
  29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are here.
  30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
  31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back and I'll have another shot at him.

  32. Commenter additions:
  33. The mailman is not dumping other people's stuff in our mailbox.
  34. I will not help prewash the dishes while they are being placed in the dishwasher.
  35. I will not disinter the deceased squirrel that dad buried in the back yard.
  36. I will not hork dead squirrel bits next to the couch while dad's napping.
  37. I will not sit beside the bed and stare at the...um,...activities thereon.
  38. John Donovan says: Based on External Guard performance, I would change #35 to read "I will not hork [fill in the blank] bits [fill in the blank]." The Exterior Guard has too many conditionals.
  39. Just because I like to lick myself in unmentionable places just because I can does not mean that Mom or Dad wishes to procure my services.
  40. However, just because Dad *does* like having his toes licked does not mean I should go french Mom immediately thereafter. That is apparently wrong.
  41. Just because Mom provides the Interior Guard with Indoor Potty Privileges (while I have to go outside), thus providing Tasty Treats, does not mean I should go french Mom as a thank you immediately after chowing down. That is apparently wrong, too, though I don't get it.
  42. Note to self. Must check into what Dad means when he says "Oedipal Complex" every time I french Mom...
H/T The Gunn Nutt