05 June, 2006

The End and the Beginning

Update: Some good news has lightened my mood a bit--I finally have a rock-solid date for the phone interview, which I assume means my writing sample was well-received. This whole process may give me gray hair before it's over, but I'm glad to see I'm now lined up for the third hurdle between me and my goal. Yes!!!

Now go ahead and read my pathetic whine from this morning; unfortunately, a lot of those feelings are still there...


Today will be the last full day of school. By Wednesday I'll be done. I woke up this morning too early. I tried to go back to sleep but soon thoughts swirled in my head, problems without immediate solution popped into consciousness and I could feel my stomach (and most of the rest of the muscles in my body) clench.

I'm more and more convinced it's the right thing to leave the profession, but somehow that isn't converting into confidence for the future. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but I have so many reasons not to be--so much that seems without solution. We all make mistakes, but I tend to obsess over mine, clearly seeing each flaw and how it affects my situation. I feel like I'm operating without a net now and those mistakes will one day catch up with me, keep me from my goals.

Regardless of what happens on the job front, I will have to be out of this house by the end of this month. Where will the piano go? Where will I go? Do I need to sell most of my literally junk (if I go across-country for a job), or will I need to keep it 'cause maybe I'll end up nearby where it's worth renting a truck to move it?

"It'll work out," that's what everyone tells me. They point out that it has worked out in the past. I hope they're right and that I'm just too scared to see that right now.

Yes, endings mean new beginnings. But is this the beginning of something good? For all my determination and the fight I've displayed in the past, you'd think I'd be more confident than I feel right now...